So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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