Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
