I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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