I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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