i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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