Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
