Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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