I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
