I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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