Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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