I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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