I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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