and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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