Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
