Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
