bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
