New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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