My hand turned me down
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
