If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
