Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
