NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
