Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Randomize
