I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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