Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
