well I can't set my house on fire every night
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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