I just threw up on my dentist
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
