I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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