Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
