omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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