I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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