my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I will pee on everything he values.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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