Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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