My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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