Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
