Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I fill condoms, not promises.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
