Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
