rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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