I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
