cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
