I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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