The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
