dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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