I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This house was built for laser tag.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
