I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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