I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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