Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
