All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
