i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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