just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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