Swine flu. Run for my life!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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