I'm eating all of the evidence.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
