Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need moral support for this bender
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
