are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
