Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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